ink.

"...life is a gamble, we've come to see,
and they don't come bigger than to gamble on me,
and of all the souls i've known and met,
you're the mistake that i don't regret..."

let's face it.

it isn't you, it's me!

...of course it isn't.

it's YOU.

life of mi

life of pi. a decent story? perhaps.

there are times when certain things catches my eye

like the time i saw the trailer for "cast away".
how does one survive at sea and how does one
find the strength to live alone on an island?

like the time i saw the trailer for "slumdog millionaire".
how does one find the will to survive such hardship
and how that ties in to love, and hope.

and now i saw the trailer for "life of pi".
how does one keep on hoping and keep on living
when stranded on a boat. with a bengali tiger.

i haven't read the book nor watched the movie just yet,
but the theme and the questions from it intrigued me.
so let's think about something for a short while;

who would you pick to get stranded on a boat with?

would you pick your ultimate fantasy gal?
think about it, what better than to be stranded
with the celebrity crush of your dreams!

she'd be basking in the sun wearing a bikini,
you'd be rockin' the boat all day *wink wink*
it would be the perfect scenario!

but then again, would it?

would it be nice for a while and then reality sinks in?
would she end up being bitchy and annoying?
would you end up wishing she wasn't even there?

in the end, perhaps we'd pick someone we can trust,
someone who we can talk to about anything,
someone who we can rely on, and who relies on us,
someone who can make us laugh when times are grim,
someone who helps us cry when our fears are there,
someone who reminds us about faith and prayer,
someone who complements our weakness,
and at the same time builds our strengths

someone who we see as a beginning and an end

perhaps that's what true bond and trust is,
perhaps that's the ultimate level of friendship
perhaps in a big way, is what marriage is

and perhaps my story isn't really finished yet either

...life of mi. i wonder who i get to share it with.

lurve

one heart. to another.

read a nice list about "...what is love?..."
based on nutt's format, this would be my take;

* love is given but not lost
* love is taken but doesn't leave a void
* love is fragile but lasts forever

five.the upward turn.

-the upward turn-

thank god i am able to sleep in hotels every now and then,
thank god i can afford to go away for the weekends,
thank god i have interests that i can pursue,
thank god i have friends to talk to and to confide in,
thank god i have family to find understanding and faith in

thank.god.

four.depression.loneliness.

-depression-

this is the tricky part; conventional wisdom tells me
that the physical manifestation of depression
is the desire to be gloomy and alone

...but what if i were always like that?

what if i were always the type who enjoyed solitude?
what if i were always the type to be gloomy?
does that mean i suffer from depression. already?

i don't view it that way, though.
i think it's normal for someone like me,
and i just think that there are days when i am just sad

ending a relationship saddens me too.

-loneliness-

some people deal with loneliness by talking about it,
some people take up some new hobby,
and some people just revert to good ol' chocolate

...i shop. A LOT.

they say retail therapy isn't really therapy,
specially once you take a good look at your statements,
but dealing is dealing i think, regardless.

normally i would be a lot more sensible,
but hey, in this case, i'm defending it.
because it makes me happy. and i have tangible stuff.

but there is also a great part of me that see this
as a good thing compared to dragging friends down for chats.
i know that friends will be there for you, regardless...

but here's the thing;

i feel guilty and embarrassed to take their time.
simply because it was easy for me to not hangout
when i had a relationship back then

and now reaching out when i'm alone seems, tacky.

...or maybe it's just me. who knows.

three.anger.bargaining.

-anger-

i'm sure i should be,
but i'm not angry.
not even in the slightest bit.

i'm just dissapointed.

but here's the kicker;
i'm not dissapointed that i'm not with the girl,
i'm just dissapointed that i am alone.

again.

-bargaining-

in the past i would analyze and re-analyze
what went wrong / how to improve,
and should we give it another shot?

but nowadays since i'm older,
i've learnt that sometimes shit just happens,
and returning to the ex is always a bad idea

you can always look back to the early days,
you can always look back when you were happy,
but never overlook the fact you had problems

and if there is no solution to it, then walk away

...and never bargain back.

two.pain.guilt.

-pain-

pain is relative.

i guess it depends on your experience.
the 1st time usually weighs heavily on you more,
but the more you experience it, the less it affects you

but that doesn't mean it won't hurt. someway.

-guilt-

regardless of whether the decision is the right one,
and regardless of whether it's best for both sides,
the guilt of breaking someone's heart is still there

everyone tells you to decide what's best,
everyone tells you to stand up and be a man,
and everyone tells you to do the right thing

but having said all that,
there is something that everyone does NOT tell you.
something that rings true and true about all this;

...doing the right thing sucks.

one.denial.shock.

they say that there are 7 stages of grief

they say everyone goes through it somehow.
i think it is important to gain perspective where we can,
perhaps i'll give this a shot and see where it goes;

-denial-

i know it happened,
i'm sure i made it happen,
it just somehow doesn't feel that way

i guess it still hasn't fully sunk in. 

-shock-

i can't say this came as a shock.

things have gone downhill over the past year,
and issues have escalated over the past few months,
over and over and over.

without even a hint of light at the end of the tunnel.

so no, it doesn't come as a shock.
truthfully, the only shocking thing about it
is how i've kept it going for all this time

looking back, i probably shouldn't have.

expect. no changes.

now, the golden rule when it comes to
practicality in relationships would probably be;

"...do not expect the other person to change..."

i believe that. wholeheartedly.

you can't go into a relationship
with the pretense that the other person
will 'change for the better', since, well,
people are human beings,
and as much as we don't want to believe it,
old habits certainly die hard.

...specially the bad ones.

however, it IS in our nature to expect that.
it is in our nature to find good in others,
and it's certainly in our nature to be nurturing

we want to be the person who cultivates change,
we want to see the other person change into something good,
we want to have that satisfaction of 'fixing' someone we love

should we? maybe.
can we? definitely.
will we? we can only hope

so, once you go into a relationship,
do everything you can to improve the other person,
work on it and motivate them to be the best they are,
and hope that in the end it'll be a great achievement

but don't EXPECT it.
do NOT expect it.

...EVER.

one in a million

people like to talk about finding the 1 in a million

let's give it some perspective;
what's our population now? 27 million?

that means there's 27 of those special people

slice that by gender, and you may have,
say, 14 special women, and 13 special men.
and out of that portion, take out the ones who are taken,
so that makes it, say, 7 and 6 special men and women

7 and 6. out of 27 million!

so, what are the odds for US finding that 7 and 6 people?
and once we do, what are the odds of them
finding US to be what they're looking for?

in a way, that pretty much means
that finding that 1 in a million is virtually impossible.

but here's the thing, the great thing about love is,
you don't have to be that 1 in a million,
and you don't have to be that 1 special person
that EVERYONE is seeking for

...you only have to be yourself

the key is not being the 1 in a million.
the key is not being the best person on earth.
the key, is to be the 1 for YOUR soulmate

and by being that, makes you THE 1 in a gazillion!

it works. if you wish to call it that.

maturity, for all it's strength, has it's vulnerabilty

we link maturity to being sensible,
being realistic, being calculative,
being practical, being well, mature

we link immaturity to being naive,
being idealistic, being spontaneous,
being impractical, being well, immature

i miss the younger days when in relationships,
you go for the person who makes your heart skip a beat,
you go for the person who you can write letters and notes to,
you go for the person that laughs at your D's in math,
who admires your A's in english as if it was the best thing ever,
you go for the person who you buy snacks at the canteen with,
you go for the person who you watch the stars with,
you go for the person who you like to buy small gifts to,
and you go for the person who you dream about the future with

now we go for practicality, for stability,
for common needs and wants in life,
and if we're one of the lucky ones, for love

it can be a good thing, it can't. who knows?

so, maturity, for all it's worth,
is something we need to value,
but when it comes to relationships,
is something that needs to be valued,
whether it is worth it for us in the end

maturity has it's vulnerability