ABOW #11

if you have fat fingers like me,
then do not buy fancy touch-screen phones.
it's embarrassing to see sms' like;

"...Hi# hOwr3 Y0u 7odaY?..."

PAR #10

vote for me, and i will guarantee you clean elections!
i will enforce people to shower before voting / campaigning.

'well, that narrows it down then' of the day

hands up if you look like bert sesame street! 

got a shocking email at work earlier today

apparently one of the staff got robbed
while walking back to her car after work.
upon describing the assailant, it was a;

"...30 - 40 year old male indian,

slim, with thick eyebrows..."

so, the only thing the police hafta do is
nab one of, maybe 1 million slim indian guys,
who just happens to have thick eyebrows.

easy. i give it 3 days.

'being in my shoes' of the day

UK size 10. that's me. just in case. 

ever wonder what it's like being in my shoes?

when i'm serious, people think i'm kidding,
and when i'm kidding, people take me seriously.
i can't seem to win haha!

but i probably wouldn't have it any other way.

PAR #9

vote for me, and i'll force karamsingh walia 
to talk 5 hours non-stop on tv.
without putting up his hands.

PAR #8

vote for me, and i'll make sure we have banyak gile 
cite and muvi bangla kat astro first.
only then we can truly understand their plight ok?

PAR #7

vote for me, and i'll harass mas and airasia and
proton and maybank and cimb for money.
takkan asek kacau petronas je kottt

but i won't harass public bank le.
since aku suke tengok celebration ala-ala
komunis and chairman mao derang kat youtube

PAR #6

vote for me, and i'll give all who oppose us one-way tickets
untuk pegi duduk and pegi mampos kat central africa

tapi solomon tak dapat le kan,
since die suke je kot balek afrika sane tuh.

PAR #5

vote for me, and i'll endorse discipline teachers to beat up kids
who beat up other weak, defenceless kids in school.

PAR #4

vote for me, and i will demonstrate the true
spirit and meaning of mesia bleh;

bleh la sabsidi rege minyak, supaye rakyat bleh 
isi petrol secare free kat stesen minyak seluruh negare

bleh la sabsidi rege tol, supaye rakyat bleh 
pegi sane sini secare free ke seluruh pelusuk negare

bleh la sabsidi sume makanan, supaye rakyat bleh 
makan free sesuke ati di seluruh negare

bleh la sabsidi yuran skolah, supaye rakyat bleh 
la jadi cerdik pandai sket

and despite doing all that, the rakyat will still go;

"...tapi tak cukop! bleh la tlong lagi, bleh la!..."

see? the rakyat are feckers.
i mean, who cares about developing the nation
and moving forward kan? idiots. vote PAR.

PAR #3

vote for me, and i'll make sure that friggin
boy-genius-mathematician-druggie-boy
admits that the whole thing is fraud

and that his aim is to manufacture
and distribute drugs to kids of all ages
and be the prime minister someday

it's all a friggin act, i tell you.

PAR #2

vote for me, and i'll make sure we
dont waste our resources and
put an end to all this anwar nonsense

i mean so what if he bonks boys and hookers?

so what if he sucks ceck?
plenty of mesians do.

and so what if he bonks hookers?
bukannye bayo gune duit rakyat pon.

remember; PAR tau!

wanna be on par?

now, a lot of people, at some point or another,
whether secretly or otherwise, does harbour dreams
to become illegally rich a politician

i am no different.

i hereby announce that i am making plans
to one day realize that great dream by
forming my own party; Parti Anti Rakyat (PAR)

so over time i will share with you my manifestos,
so that you would be better equipped in the future
to provide me with illegal money your great support

PAR #1

vote for me, and i will ensure your money goes
straight to my bank account rather than use it
to build schools and roads and all that crap.

the point? i'll be the 1st honest politician. EVER.

pragmatol.

guys are pragmatic

when it comes to soap or cleaning products,
we are result driven, we don't need bells and whistles,
and we are certainly straight to the point and pragmatic.

that's why we don't care about pH levels,
or whether the soap cleanses our pores,
or whether it makes us smell like roses.

beli je dettol satu, bleh gune untuk sabon muke,
sabon badan, sabon bontot, cuci baju,
cuci pinggan mangkuk kat dapor, dan sebagainye.

asal ade buih tu, kire ok le tuh.

see? pragmatic.

(the twitter) reply of the day

happened just now, on the twitter;

fwen : this cough is such a bitch

mua : and so are you.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ABOW #10

when faced with insults or a barrage of verbal provocation,
one should always remain calm and silent.
there is no need for one to verbally insult the other person back.

just give them the finger.

ABOW #9

do not be judgemental towards people
who "like" their own status and pictures
on their always updated fesbuk profiles

they accidently clicked on it, okay?

ABOW #8

it isn't cool to assume all sawakians eat /
know how to bake / always have in their homes
that bloody kek lapis sawak

it's like assuming all indians dance around trees
and sing in the heavy pouring rain when they
were younger / dating / in love

ABOW #7

it's funny to see white people playing for the all blacks

it's either something unintended,
something uplifting and inspirational,
or a cruel joke to play on colour-blind rugby players

ABOW #6

do not take it personally when salesmen and women
do NOT approach you in shopping complexes,
because it has NOTHING to do with your personality.

you just look poor, that's all.

ABOW #5

in some parts, during breakups,
there is always the really cliche
but the truthful ideology of;

"...it isn't you, it's me..."

but in most parts, it really isn't.

it's YOU.

ABOW #4

for years and years people have talked about
gender equality and being on the same level
and being of equal stature and standard.

the ABOW? you have to acknowledge the success.

the pinnacle of gender equality is the right to become a lesbo.

ABOW #3

you know, when it comes to being offensive,
people like to cover their asses
and be nice to the public by saying;

"...oh, i didn't mean to offend you!..."

the ABOW? they DID mean to offend your ass.

and if they didn't, then they're idiots.
bcos the whole point of making offensive remarks
IS to offend other people, you see?

otherwise there wouldn't be any point in doing it.

ABOW #2

the trend now is to play futsal

you have futsal games after work,
futsal league over the weekend,
and generally futsal fever everywhere

and if you don't sign up for fecking futsal
then it means you are not haptodet
and athletic and macho badan beketol2

here's the ABOW;
derang sume tu nak glemer je lebeh,
bukannye reti men pon,
sepak and lari pon cam katak.

oh, and most of them are gay.

ABOW #1

admit it. you like nice, fuzzy, round balls. 

let's face it; everyone loves pearls of wisdom

people all around the world look for thoughts
and perspective and words and pearls of wisdom
for pretty much about everything under the sun

i feel ya bros / sistas!

hence, i have decided to release this brand new segment,
sharing my personal wisdom and views about, well,
pretty much anything and everything in life

it'll be rash, it'll be harsh, it'll be offensive,
it'll be racist, it'll be obscene.
in other words, just plain bitchy.

...but it'll be wise. wisdom, you see?

i proudly bring to you; avoch balls of wisdom!

ABOW#1

earlier this morning, channel 100 on astro was showing
clips and videos and songs from the late leslie cheung.

the ABOW? stop showing it.

bcos nobody gives a feck about fecking leslie cheung.

three.anger.bargaining.

-anger-

i'm sure i should be,
but i'm not angry.
not even in the slightest bit.

i'm just dissapointed.

but here's the kicker;
i'm not dissapointed that i'm not with the girl,
i'm just dissapointed that i am alone.

again.

-bargaining-

in the past i would analyze and re-analyze
what went wrong / how to improve,
and should we give it another shot?

but nowadays since i'm older,
i've learnt that sometimes shit just happens,
and returning to the ex is always a bad idea

you can always look back to the early days,
you can always look back when you were happy,
but never overlook the fact you had problems

and if there is no solution to it, then walk away

...and never bargain back.

it's us, not you.

another lyrical posto, this time off the
very dope "laff at em" by timbaland, justin timberlake & jay-z.
it's awesome.

two.pain.guilt.

-pain-

pain is relative.

i guess it depends on your experience.
the 1st time usually weighs heavily on you more,
but the more you experience it, the less it affects you

but that doesn't mean it won't hurt. someway.

-guilt-

regardless of whether the decision is the right one,
and regardless of whether it's best for both sides,
the guilt of breaking someone's heart is still there

everyone tells you to decide what's best,
everyone tells you to stand up and be a man,
and everyone tells you to do the right thing

but having said all that,
there is something that everyone does NOT tell you.
something that rings true and true about all this;

...doing the right thing sucks.

everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent.

another lyrical posto, off the wonderful
"always on your side" by sheryl crow and sting

one.denial.shock.

they say that there are 7 stages of grief

they say everyone goes through it somehow.
i think it is important to gain perspective where we can,
perhaps i'll give this a shot and see where it goes;

-denial-

i know it happened,
i'm sure i made it happen,
it just somehow doesn't feel that way

i guess it still hasn't fully sunk in. 

-shock-

i can't say this came as a shock.

things have gone downhill over the past year,
and issues have escalated over the past few months,
over and over and over.

without even a hint of light at the end of the tunnel.

so no, it doesn't come as a shock.
truthfully, the only shocking thing about it
is how i've kept it going for all this time

looking back, i probably shouldn't have.

as i watch from afar

another lyrical posto, off the soothing
"you don't know me" from michael buble 

by wrong.

in drilling, they have this additive called 'barite' 

the function of 'barite' is to add weight to the drilling mud,
resulting in it being able to handle high pressure,
so that it can be suitably used for safe drilling operations

...that is an example of a good additive

in life, they have this additive called 'by right' 

the usage of 'by right' is to point out other's responsibilities,
to add (sometimes) unnecessary high pressure to people,
so we have our way when it comes to controlling others

...that is an example of a bad additive

for example, we use the 'by rights' in situations such as

"...hey, by right YOU are the one that has to do it!...", 

or "...by right, men are the one's that has to fulfill all this!...", 
or "...by right, you should be respecting me as your landlord!..." 
or "...by right, you ought to pay more than all of us!..." 

now here's my problem with that mentality; insensibility.

sure, in most cases people may be right about it,
or sure, it may the norm for our society to expect certain things,
but is it really that hard to help out a little?

is it really tough to lend a helping hand to others?
is it really demeaning to do mundane tasks in work?
is it really a burden to lighten other people's life?

maybe. maybe not.

so here's what i think, use less 'by rights',
and try to be a bit more sensible
when it comes to everyday decisions and everyday life

...it'll be a far better additive in your life, trust me.

'cerdik tahap gaban' of the day

off mStar online;

now, lemme get this straight;
gempe bumi tu kat sumatera sane tuh,
and yet the, (check DIS out!)

Pengerusi Jawatankuasa kebajikan, Kesihatan, 

Masyarakat Penyayang dan Alam Sekitar,
says that it is the reason for masalah jerebu kat penang.

tengok la betape cerdiknye oghang mesia nih. LOL

i want a little something more.

another lyrical posto, slightly modified,
off the soothing tune of "love that will last" by renee olstead

stop whinging and be respectable, boleh?

OMG the tragedy of a broken egg! 

perhaps we've all experienced the tragedy of dropping eggs

you know, that horrible moment when you open the fridge,
pick up a couple of eggs and hurriedly moving away,
only to see (in slow motion) one of the eggs flying off
before landing (in slow motion) with a big ol' SPLAT!

it's tragic, isn't it?

now, under normal circumstances you would sympathize,
you would help clean up the terrible mess,
and you would offer to get some new eggs if you could

but here's the thing, what if the person in question
becomes super obsessed with the dropped egg?

i'm talking, taking vivid pictures of the egg,
sobbing away and telling EVERYONE about the thing,
setting up a memorial in loving memory of the egg,
putting up slow motion videos of the egg on youtube,
then going on the news to recall the ordeal to the public,
then preceeding to blame the fridge manufacturer as well

and the person does it. year after year after year.

see my point? at first you are sad and you sympathize,
your heart goes out to the person and the egg,
but after a while it becomes annoying and whingy

really, really, really whingy.

that's how the western media feels to me
whenever bloody sept 11 comes along.
it's a whingy show of "...look world, we're victims!..."

here's the thing, everyone goes through tragedy.
be respectful to those lost by being respectable.
otherwise, shit happens globally, so get over it.

and get over yourselves too.

*dush* wow saketnye kene air!

water balloons. no, sorry, grenades. 

what's the craziest thing you'd do for love?

some might jump off a building,
others might profess their love with tattoos,
others might serenade loved ones in public

but bruno mars would catch a grenade for ya.

that's right, when asked the same question on mtv,
bruno mars said; "...me? i'd catch a grenade..."
he then went on to tell this lovely story
about him heroically jumping in front of a lady
when he saw that lady was about to be hit by
a flying 'water balloon grenade'.
that's right folks, a.water.balloon.grenade.

oh, and she had a brand new dress on.

first of all, how on earth would you know
the dress is new unless you're a stalker?
or unless for some reason when you said;

"...you look great, love your dress..."

in which she rather bizaarely replied;

"...it's a brand new dress. just got it..."

instead of; "...thanks!..."

second of all, it's one thing to think of
'saving' a lady from getting mildly soaked
with a friggin water balloon as
'the craziest thing i'd do for love',
it's another thing altogether to refer
a harmless water balloon as a 'grenade',
in order NOT to sound like a total wuss

and lastly, hey, why not write a song
about your super duper heroics
and get adored by millions of people!
and perhaps then go on to make a video
of you prancing around with fucking monkeys
before wonderfully being referred to as

bruno planet of the fucking apes

ok fine, i'm done. *catches water balloon*

to those we've lost.

pengumuman of the day

off my account on the twitter;

pengumuman; tak sume orang sawak buat / makan kek lapis ok. 

so sile jangan menyoal siasat saya mengenai hal itu esok.
tampo kang.

(mistaken) identity of the day

sibu has a nice, erm, pintu gerbang. 

see where my confusion came from? 

here's a story for you!

since i tend to be a bit friendly on flights,
i was having a decent conversation with a matsleh.
and the matsleh was telling me about his
travels all around asia, particularly here in mesia

now, for some reason he started to absolutely
rave and became excited about sibu.
he told me that he loved the beaches there,
the food was pretty good, and he loved
the local buildings and the friendly people

...needless to say i was shocked.

so after a few minutes he kept talking about
how he loved the snorkeling and nice beaches,
and all i could think to myself was;

"...bior beno matsleh nih. sibu cam kodi je..."

took me a while to realize he was actually
talking about CEBU. the one in the philippines

ok, so NOW it makes perfect sense.
kooos semengat. 

it's all about us.

another lyrical posto, this time off the
super-duper catchy "all about him" from auburn!